07-2-2013 at 11:26 AM

Well, this was written quite awhile ago, and the new version of this story is drastically changed from this short version. I'm now writing a novel revolving around the cavern theme, and I would be more than happy to post if anyone would be.interested.

01-27-2013 at 11:59 AM

01-27-2013 at 11:58 AM

I was having issues articulating the changes I wanted to suggest, so I added the suggestions I had into the story that I am now posting below. Also, there is a fun website called StoryWrite that you might be interested in, others can read and critique your stories and you can do the same for others.<br /> _________________________<br /> <br /> Ally paced the bottom of the cavern; her face was illuminated by the moonlit night. Her beautiful blond hair looked like stringy gold and her blue eyes were deep oceans surrounded by black eyeliner. Her beautiful lips were a soft (color), full and shimmering. She was wearing dark wash jeans, which were worn and torn at the knees from attempting to scale the cavern walls. Ally's top was solid black; it was short sleeved with a plunging "V" neckline and (explain the fit-loose, well fitting, or tight).<br /> Ally glared down at her portable music player, the screen grubby with dust. It was nearly out of power, and Ally didn't like that. She wanted so desperately to crank it up as loud as it would go and listen to the Heavy Metal music she had came to love. The only thing that displeased Ally about the cavern was the fact that she couldn't just get up and leave when she got frustrated with the seemingly endless labyrinth.<br /> She loved how dark it was, the noises it made, and the way the air<br /> was heavy, making her heave at every breath. But, she had been gone for around a week, or so she guesstimated. Every inch of her wanted to forget everything that lead up to her being trapped here.<br /> Ally then forced herself to remember why she was here (why, would it help her or could she just not forget, thus meaning forced might not be the best word).<br /> Her youngest sister Veronica, who was 12, wanted to take her to see the Colorado Caverns, the ones that were giant holes in the ground while their parents were away. Ally was looking into the dark abyss; Veronica shoved her, causing her to plummet to the bottom of the cavern. Ally screamed as she fell, but no one was close enough to hear her. Ally cursed up to Veronica when she landed, telling her that their mother would find out. Veronica, being as sly as she was, insisted Ally had run away.

09-27-2012 at 2:17 PM

It's really good - though a few tips would be to.... <br /> <br /> - Minus the uses of her name (say, insert other describing words of the character instead of, in this case 'Ally'.) and the word 'she'.<br /> <br /> - Sentences could be a little longer without the need of full stops (.) which would give it more flow and not stick so thickly.<br /> <br /> But overall it's great and I'd like to read more. c:

02-24-2012 at 9:57 AM

I say that because i took a creative writing course, and the first thing the teacher tought us was that writers are sensitive about what they write.<br /> <br /> And it is true, someone puts their heart into what they wrote and then someone else tears it apart!<br /> <br /> Thats why i always say that >.>

02-20-2012 at 3:32 PM

Ah,yes I see what you mean now that you pointed it out! :) You don't sound mean,it's not like you started nagging or chewing me out about it,you said so in a civilized manner. XD

02-18-2012 at 7:24 PM

I like it, though i find there are a little too many periods in it.<br /> <br /> I love how you drescribe her, but the sentenses are too short and you keep stopping.<br /> <br /> Ex. your playing a video game, and your just about to beat your apponent when all of a sudden someone hits pause! =O<br /> <br /> 100% random example, and i'm sorry if i sound mean... >.>